Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time once again for the latest installment of Possibly Reliable Medical Advice from Someone Who’s Signature Looks like a Doctor’s; our semi-regular column dealing with all things medical and health-ish. And by “semi-regular” I mean whenever I remember this format actually exists.
Our topic for today: The deadly dangers lurking in your grass after the capitalist pig lawn care company has treated your yard with offensive yellow signs that just don’t go well with your landscaping theme.
(NOTE: As always it must be noted the author of this column is neither a doctor nor someone who plays a doctor on television. Heck, I don’t even look like a doctor unless the image in your fertile mind right now looks like a combination of Gregory House and Detective Mick Belcker of Hill Street Blues fame — please, take a look.)
A: Stuff. And lots of it. However, assuming you’re looking for a more lengthy answer, so as to make it appear I actually know what I’m talking about, allow me to provide you with some slightly more scientific sounding words. Apparently lawn care persons use things like pesticides, herbicides, bromides, organophosphates, carbamates, glutamates, bipolarates, asphyxiates, complicates, and vitamin B12. They’ve also been known to use my Aunt Sylvia’s tuna and liverwurst spongecake with non-dairy whipped topping.
Q: Are these things dangerous to humans and, if so, why?
A: I would never eat anything from Aunt Sylvia’s kitchen, I’ll tell you that.
Q: No, you organically-challenged user of a word-processor; the stuff they put in my yard!
A: Oh…yes. They are dangerous, for two reasons. First and foremost because the signs say so. Who would doubt a sign? If you would, the second reason is because some actress who hasn’t been able to get a role since turning 34 showed up on Capitol Hill and cried during Congressional hearings. Her mascara ran all over the nice, oak table. It was tragic. Anyway, who wouldn’t believe a crying actress and a Congressperson?
Q: My son was out playing in the yard an hour or so after the capitalist pig lawn guy left. When he came in he had a severe rash up and down his legs. It looks just like a yeast infection I once had. What should I do?
A: Bake bread. Oh, and tell little Timmy to stop wearing his pants around his ankles, so everyone can see his underwear, and next time he won’t get a yeast infection from the bipolarates, asphyxiates, and complicates.
Q: Dear Signature Guy; my friend, whom we’ll call “Gladys”, recently broke up with her boyfriend after she learned he…he…Oh I’ll just say it: he likes to make disgusting noises without a whoopie cushion, if you know what I mean. I am so angry at him for breaking her heart, and causing severe respiratory distress after eating a bowl of hot Mama’s Chili with Tacos! How can I stick it to him and console Gladys without having to hire expensive “associates”? Signed, Ticked in Toledo.
A; Dear T.T.; I think you have the wrong column. You might want to try Possibly Reliable Relationship Advice from Someone Whose Name Resembles the 8th President of the U.S.
Q: Who was the 8th President of the U.S.?
A: Dear Abby
Q: Since you have a funky signature, can you tell me why those little yellow signs include a picture of a dog and a kid?
A: Because Michelangelo, Da Vinci, and Warhol are all dead. No, I’m kidding. Those pictures are there to remind little Timmy to clean up after his dog so the capitalist pig lawn guy doesn’t step in it next time he’s laying down yeast asphyxiates. Either that or it’s some kind of warning we’re all supposed to ignore.
Q: If I don’t wait 24 hours before allowing little Timmy to walk the dog, is he in any danger.
A: Yes! Forcing the dog to hold it so long could cause a ruptured intestinate, or something like that. And if that happens little Timmy will be on his own next time he falls in a well while doing something mischievous he’s not supposed to do. Like stealing yellow lawn signs.
Well, that it’s for this edition of Possibly Reliable Medical Advice. Stay tuned for our next installment, when we’ll deal with a recent French study that suggests eating too much brioche could cause you to sprout yeast and have a strong desire to work in lawn care.
And now a word from our sponsors… ( PLEASE NOTE: the information found in the following infographic was provided by a third-party, it does not necessarily reflect my own views on organic versus synthetic. Additionally, I do not present this infographic as being factually true in any way. Do your own research before making a decision on lawn care products.)