If You Have the Stinky Gene Raise Your Hand…Or Not

My friends, as I sit at my laptop typing away there is BREAKING NEWS that has nothing to do with gun control, fiscal cliffs, or Tiger and Elin. No, it’s much more important than the normally banal fare that comes across the news feed. It is a story from LiveScience pertaining to the deodorant-wearing practices of different people exhibiting various levels of odoriferous emanation. According to the report there are people incapable of producing B.O. that still insist on wearing deodorant.

It’s an outrage!

LiveScience took up the story after the results of a study I have a hard time believing was’t at least a little bit offensive, appeared in the Jan. 17, 2013 edition of the Journal of Investigative Dermatology. After reading the study results, by which I mean I glanced at the title and jumped to my own conclusions, I have but one question: what is investigative dermatology?

Is this a new line of police work whereby trained detectives, after gaining multiple years of experience on the juvenile mucous and spittle team, get to track down dermatological offenders for such crimes as wedding day cold sores, annoying skin tags, and fake tans that make you look like Winnie the Pooh with a slight case of jaundice? Or perhaps investigative dermatology is the department responsible for tracking down missing celebrity-ish persons after face lifts gone wrong render them unrecognizable.

Getting back to the deodorant thing…

The British researchers, by which I mean a group of scientific-type persons with nothing really important to do, have somehow determined that the cause of B.O. is a single little gene that’s part of the overall genetic code in some humanoid persons. Apparently this gene doesn’t shower much, so when it gets excited it starts to make its presence known by filling the reservoir of personal perspiration with odors that, in some cases, could kill a large horse in the absence of proper ventilation. The researchers claim, and I swear I’m not making this up, that “2 percent of Europeans lack the genes for smelly armpits, [and] most East Asians and almost all Koreans lack this gene.”

Want to know another tidbit of TMI goodness? These same people who can sweat without contributing to the environmental bouquet of aromas also produce “dry” earwax instead of the traditionally accepted “wet” version. They appear to be rogues in every sense of the word, at least when it comes to bodily fluids and the ways they let the rest of us know how, and what, they are excreting. If these behaviors are allowed to persist, what’s next? I, for one, hope it’s odorless flatulence. If they could manage that one I say let them fart to their heart’s content. Start a band if you can do it loud enough and stay on key!

My next question for the B.O. academics is one I’m sure now burns in your fertile brain as well. Of course, the question I’m referring to is: how would one know he/she/it doesn’t possess the stinky gene? Are these folks working up a sweaty lather then burying their olfactory equipment in their armpits in order to take a long draw? I only ask because I’ve been told I produce my fair share, unlike rich people according the the Democrats, yet I’ve never actually been able to smell myself. So either people are lying to me or I’m incapable of discerning my own scent. I’ll let you make the call.

In closing let me just address the less odoriferous among us using deodorant unnecessarily. What’s the harm? Makeup doesn’t help Bill Mahr, but he still wears it. Besides which, they make the perfect palette to try new perfumes and colognes. Without any of their own smells to contribute, you could take a gaggle of B.O. deficient friends to the Macy’s perfume counter and have them all demo the latest scents for you. They would be your own, personal perfume swathe so to speak. How cool would that be?

By the way, perfume swathe would be a great name for a rock band with an aversion¬† to showers. As long as they didn’t possess the stinky gene!

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