Bad Breath and the Geezer Strike Again!

(Note: This post was first published Nov. 24, 2009)

From the ‘I’m Not Making This Up’ file come two stories from the Associated Press which are semi-related, but only to the extent that they both involve bank robberies by unusual suspects. The first story is dated Nov. 17, 2009 and comes from Tamarac, FL., where the Broward County Sheriff’s Department is hunting for a suspect in a recent holdup.

I’m sure the investigators conducted a thorough interview of all witnesses, including the teller, and have hopefully come up with a fairly good description of the bandit. I say “hopefully” because the news article describes only one defining feature: and I quote, “notably bad breath”.

That’s right folks, the guy has pretty bad breath it would seem. I can just imagine how the interview with the teller must have gone.

• Detective: Ma’am, can you describe for me what the suspect looked like.
• Teller: Well, I don’t remember much. It all happened so fast. Um….I think he was white; maybe five-nine or so with dark glasses.
• Detective: Uh-huh. Any unusual marks or other characteristics, Ma’am?
• Teller: Why yes, detective. He had notably bad breath.
• Detective: Uh…notably bad breath, Ma’am.?
• Teller: Yes, it was terrible. Sort of a cross between onions, cat litter, and my mother-in-law’s fish soup. It was so bad I thought about barfing in his bag!”
• Detective: No need for that Ma’am, you can use the exploding dye pack.

So now there’s a bank robber running around Florida breathing onion breath on unsuspecting bank tellers. The “Bad Breath Bandit”, or B3 for those of you who are mathematically inclined, will create quite an interesting situation if the police ever catch up to him. Imagine if you will, the poor teller down at the station being put through a “bad breath” lineup with B3 and a half-dozen of his closets friends.

• Detective: Ma’am, just put on this blindfold before we go into the lineup room.
• Teller: OK, I’m ready. Let’s do this thing!
• Detective: Now, I’m going to place you squarely in front of each suspect who will then breath on you. Carefully smell each one, and please, if you have to heave use this barf bag.
• Teller: (sniff) No, not that one. (sniff) Not that one either, but he does smell kinda pretty. (sniff) Ohh…., help me dear Lord, that’s the one!
• Detective: Are you sure Ma’am.
• Teller: Of course I’m sure. Give me the barf bag.
• Detective: Sargent, take this man away and book him. And for Pete’s sake, get him a roll of Mentos!

It would not be a pretty picture my friends, which brings me to the second story. This one happened in San Diego on the day after B3 hit Florida. The story claims an elderly man, whom the FBI has dubbed the “Geezer Bandit”, has held up five banks in the San Diego area since summer. Bank security tapes show a man who appears in his 70s (really, I’m not making this up) who approaches a teller, displays a hand gun, and demands the cash.

Now all of this is funny enough, at least to this middle-aged man, but the kicker is the last sentence of the story’s second paragraph. It says, and I swear I’m not making this up, “He fled on foot.”

He fled on foot, you people! Five banks he’s robbed and not a single security guy could run him down and tackle him! Either the Geezer Bandit is extremely sprite for a 70 year-old or he’s got really bad breath that keeps people from trying to catch him. I’m thinking if this old man can successfully flee on foot five times, he needs to be entered in the Winter X Games doing something, anything for crying out loud.

Now, one last question before I wrap this up. If you were an investigator which if these two guys would you rather be looking for, the Bad Breath Bandit or the Geezer Bandit? Think about it. If you catch B3 you’ll be subjected to a torture consisting of a cross between onions, cat litter, and the teller’s mother-in-law’s fish soup. On the other hand, if you don’t catch the Geezer Bandit you’ll forever be known as the detective that got outrun by an AARP Gold Member.

So….while you’re thinking about it I’m going to go brush my teeth and see if my Social Security check has arrived yet.