Attack of the Zombie Appliances

fridgeLadies and gentle persons, may I have your attention please. It has come to our attention that a brand new, and very serious, threat to your cyber security has just been discovered. It is a threat that could undermine the entire Internet if not brought under control quickly.

As a result, the National Department of Learning How to Keep Up With Middle School Hackers so We Can Hopefully Prevent Them from Taking Over the World (DLHKUMSHWCHPTTOW), led by Internet inventor and former Bill Clinton boy toy, Al Gore, has issued an appliance alert.

Yes, an appliance alert. Code Red to be exact.

It has been learned that a refrigerator, operating as stealthily as a large kitchen appliance can, is responsible for sending out spam – to the tune of 750,000 pieces. That said, we must establish two things:

  1. We’re not talking about “Spam”, as in the semi-edible brick of unidentified food-like substances, we’re talking about those emails from the poor widow in Mozambique who’s looking to launder $28 million through your bank account, because she’s heard such nice things about you on Facebook.
  2. The fridge has a few accomplices – like 100,000 of them.

So just how does your average refrigerator go from the nice, innocent home appliance next door to an international criminal? By hanging out with the wrong crowd online. At least that’s the impression we get from NBC News, who implied the icebox in question was part of an “army of zombies” being controlled by hackers; a group we suspect might have only been looking for someone that offered home delivery of a gallon of milk and some borscht.

These evil workers of international mayhem managed to enlist the help of TVs, multimedia centers, smart phones, and parts of the Obamacare website to wreak havoc on the email in-boxes of unsuspecting persons engaged in the innocent act of clicking on every single attachment and embedded link that that promises to make them rich, slim, and/or slightly more intelligent than a small soap dish.

As far as intelligence goes, these law-breaking labor-saving devices aren’t your average public-school appliances. No sir, they are what’s known in the secret world of blenders and coffee makers as “smart” appliances. Unlike their unsuspecting victims, they were pulled off the assembly line and put through the “gifted program” for appliances after showing a special ability to allow strangers to take control of them and manipulate them like so many politicians at fund raising time.

I ask you, what has the world come to when we can’t even trust our appliances online? The Maytag Repair Man must be in tears, seeing the monsters his little babies have become. If someone doesn’t stop the madness, he may one day find himself having a nervous breakdown, followed by group therapy with the Tidy Bowl Man, the Fruit of the Loom posse, and the king of toilet paper, one Mr. Whipple. Imagine the fun their therapists would have.

Friends, we can’t afford to wait for one of these rogue appliances to do something really bad. Something like forging Bit Coins and flooding the market of imaginary currency, causing a worldwide economic collapse almost as serious as the recent 16-day government shutdown, except without the hysterical mainstream media fomenting a level of fear usually reserved only for speculating on the price of the next iPhone. Which leads me to wonder: is the iPhone smart enough to work a job with the Kenmore Ice Beast 5000? Probably not. It doesn’t even know how to properly capitalize proper nouns!

We want to encourage you, as the owner of at least one appliance, to sit down and talk with your electronic labor saving devices today. An open an honest conversation about the dangers of careless online activity will go a long way toward keeping them safe. And even if they are angry with you at first, they will eventually understand your concern and love for them.

With that, we must conclude this public service announcement. The delivery guy is at the door with the milk and borscht.

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